i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
