currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
