Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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