I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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