What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
