why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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