I can't watch pbs sober anymore
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Drake has all the answers
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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