Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize