well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
whose ass print is on the piano?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Randomize
