the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
