im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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