I'm gonna have a badass scar
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
