He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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