I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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