maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
