I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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