Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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