how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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