Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
