Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Sorry my hands just texted you
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
