You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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