I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
