When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
