Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
