I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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