No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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