i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
