I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
