I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
