my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
