he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
