Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
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