every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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