somebody snuck up and got me drunk
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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