I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
