I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
