Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
