yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Ladies don't puke and tell
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
