Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
