Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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