I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
