so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
