I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
