Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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