The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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