That's when you crack a 10am beer
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
