I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
