Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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