you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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