When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
