Don't make out with my wife yet
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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