How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
