Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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