White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Randomize