I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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