It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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