We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
