so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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