wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
