Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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