my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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