got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
