You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
