recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
