You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
