Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
a search helicopter?!
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
