Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
